The last time I was here I was this whole other person and boy, was it a long time ago. I never realised that this distance that I unknowingly kept building between me and so many other things I enjoy doing (writing here being one of them) would eventually turn me into this totally different person I have become today. I never realised that the numerous events that happened in the past year and a half, the events that kept me so busy would take the person I like being, away from me and replace it with this boring person I have become today. It's like revisiting the worst phase of my life.
High school was not a good phase, obviously (little did I know that spiral life-cycles are a real thing and not just something to study about in software engineering). So when it was time for college I made up my mind about how I was not going to let the bad time continue. I was filled with positivity and determination to make a name for my self and succeeded too, for the most part, until the fourth year. The final year of my college life was full of drama. I am not going into the specifics of course, but a lot happened. The first three years of college was great. I was doing academically well, I made friends I could bank on, I did everything that I was good at and everybody was happy. Then came the last year of my college life and that's where I screwed up. A lot of life changing, important things did happen but unfortunately the wrong things weighed down the importance of all the good things. I focused so much on the wrong stuff that I subconsciously started building a negative aura around me and with the negativity I also built a wall, snuggled into a shell and blocked my brain from working altogether. So now, when it matters the most I am this girl with low self confidence, no presence of mind with least bit of shrewdness. The exact opposite of who I used to be.
I know what you are thinking. I know I am being way too hard on myself. I know there are a lot of people going through a lot worse, but these are the little things that forms the crux of problems in my life. You might find it silly but they matter to to me. I need to be some things and not being them bothers me. To accept the fact that I am no good anymore took me so long. To analyse what went wrong took me so long. To figure out that I have lost my true self took me so long. This is not me sharing my thoughts with you. This is me sharing my thoughts with myself (which is probably why you have'nt understood most of what's written here). I have learnt from my mistakes. But I need to be me to not make those mistakes again, I need break the shell I have built around myself, I need to gain my confidence back, I need to restart my brain (which is in hibernation). I am in a new place now, around new people, starting a new phase and the old me would have been thrilled but the new me barely knows how she feels. Nobody here thinks I am bad. Nobody here thinks I am good. Nobody here knows me (the real me) because I have'nt made the effort to bare myself. But then I am sure the people who do know me don't feel I am any different because there is no change visibly. My struggle is internal. I need to be good enough just for me. I feel a person can only perform and be truly happy if she knows herself and that is what my mission is. I need to rediscover myself and need to do it soon. Until then I won't be happy or unhappy, I'd just be living without actually living. So, I hope to return soon and when I do, you would have way more interesting things to read about here.
Wish me luck,
Cheers!
